Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
