My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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