Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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