Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
