Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i love accidental penises.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
