I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
