I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
