wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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