She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So vagazzling was a success
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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