I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
