I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
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