This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
