So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
