i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
