You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
There are leaves in my underwear?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
