I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
