2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
