I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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