Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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