All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize