Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm just crazy horny about you
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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