the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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