my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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