Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
