I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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