I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
