there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
