I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
