Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
