and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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