Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
