The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Did I show you my penis last night?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
