Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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