I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
