Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
