Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
