If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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