Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
