He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
