I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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