That's intense
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
