aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
