the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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