Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
