Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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