he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
