I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize