We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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