he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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