Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
