I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize