The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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