I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
