woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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