I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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