I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
