My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
