I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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